When Kean became my Ex
It was late summer. I had this great little studio apartment in Lincoln Park; hardwood floors, built-ins, and I was surrounded by a plethora of neighborhood bars that we liked to frequent. I was 26, working full-time for a not-for-profit and life was good. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was falling behind some high rises to the west, throwing long shadows across the floor. Little dust particles were illuminated and danced in mid-air.
My good-looking boyfriend of a few years sat on the floor, leaning back against the couch where I was lying. He was playing Jeopardy on the PS2 answering nearly every question and only calling on me once in a while. That’s what I loved most about him; his mind. Everything he thought to be interesting, he’d learn. He played piano by ear, never had a lesson, he played guitar that way too. He read and read and read, no particular genre either. He read everything. He listened to everything. He learned everything.
We met three years earlier in a bar. I was walking by and a friend he was with asked me who I liked better: The Beatles or The Stones? “Stones,” I said. “Hands down”. The friend shook his head in disgust. Kean, my tall dark soon-to-be boyfriend smiled.
“Thank you” he said. “We’ve been debating this for far too long”.
And so began our relationship. Funny how they begin; so small and benign. One night unfolded into another. We didn’t have much in common. We were from different places. Had much different pasts and families. But it didn’t matter. We liked to discuss everything. We didn’t so much talk, we more discussed things. And it was wonderful. There was balance too. Neither one of us taught more than we learned. Our conversation thrived and continued to thrive for years. Don’t get me wrong. It was far from perfect. We had many issues just like every other relationship. There was jealousy, secret infidelity, and arguing about the jealousy and infidelity. We had the whole nine yards of problems. That was us, that’s how we functioned and it all seemed fine until an incredibly strange thing happened.
It was a Saturday and soon we’d be making plans. We’d think of where we’d go, who we’d meet up with, see what kind of mood we were in. I ran my fingers through his thick dark hair as he mumbled answers and pushed buttons on the controller. I was still lying back looking out the window admiring the length and width of the shadows across the floor when I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. Like being homesick, like ache and longing got tied in a knot. I had never felt it in such a foreboding way.
Then words spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to catch them, “I’m going to miss you, one day.” I said.
I didn’t even know what I meant. I only knew that I was sad, because one day we’d go our separate ways. I didn’t like this…at all. It was not a notion, speculation or even a random thought. Somehow, I had a glimpse into my own future, and my current boyfriend, who I loved, was not there. The details of how it ended or why was unclear. I just knew… every part of my being knew, that he would one day be an ex.
Now, prior to Kean, there was always a specific moment when I would understand that so-n-so would one day be an ex. Like when Michael called me the wrong name repeatedly, or when Bryan got arrested for an outstanding warrant while we were on a date, or when Chad told me he was gay….all very concrete moments. That afternoon, Kean and I were happy. We were doing what 26 year old’s with little responsibility did on Saturdays; nothing while we waited for night.
He turned his head and looked at me. “Are you going somewhere?” he asked.
I stammered. “I…uh…that was weird.” I said.
He paused the video game and turned around.
I could probably tell him the truth and he’d somehow read up on a way to understand but I lied anyway. I felt that if by chance he didn’t understand, his feelings would be hurt and I had no evidence to back up my claim. I could never truly articulate this unwelcomed prediction.
I smiled and remained calm.
“What do you mean?” He asked tilting his head. He smiled because I was smiling too. He had a wonderful smile and then again I thought, I was going to miss that smile.
I shook my head acting confused.
"I think I dosed off." I wiped my eyes for full affect.
“What do you want to do tonight?” I asked.
He shrugged and went back to playing.
“Let’s just see how we feel later,” he said.
That was as far as it went. By evening things were somewhat normal; drinks and friends in the city. I did my best to subdue the anxiousness I felt about my omen that afternoon.
By the fall, our relationship was over. Everyone except for me, was surprised.
This glimpse into what will one day be, has happened a few times again since that afternoon. I saw a glimpse of my kids, playing by a river before I met my husband. I met a woman at my daughter’s dance class and had a “vision” of us as old ladies talking and laughing. They arrive abruptly. They are vague. They set my day apart from the rest of my normal days. And they are always exact.
Perhaps, this happenstance has taught me one thing. It really is all laid out before us. The twists and turns are all prerequisites and set the right conditions for the person we are meant to become.
